Sometimes I wonder how a heart can take so much pain without dying, how it could keep on breaking without just stopping. Maybe if it happened often enough, that might make all the pain go away... finally. When I think about it now, I'm angry. I'm angry that no matter how hard I try, she won't seem to like me as much as I feel for her. I'm angry that I'm not good enough for her. There must be someplace I can direct my anger to, but I could never bring myself to be angry at her. Maybe for a fraction of a moment, and then I'd feel guilty about it. Its easier to just be angry at myself for my shortcomings, for why I keep failing, for what I can't seem to do right. Easier to punish myself for not being good enough than blaming her...

I've tried my best to hold on long enough. Most people would say it was too long. I would've said a lifetime isn't enough, but I find myself faltering on that promise. What more could I tell her? I've ran out of words a year ago. I don't think I have anything left to give. Part of me thinks I might just hurt her if I stayed. Maybe that part is right. That's why I'm stuck. I don't want to let her go, and yet... I've ran out of hope. A few days ago, I thought, "what's the point?" If she falls in love with someone else, I KNOW my heart will break like nothing I've ever felt before. But why can't I move on? A few days ago, with a sudden reckoning, my world stopped moving as I realized that all this might be just pointless. In the end, maybe I just wasted my life. Maybe I didn't deserve it in the first place.

I'm tired. I feel like doing something to take my mind off of things. Maybe even something self-destructive. I don't know why. Any other pain feels light in comparison to this ordeal I'm going through... And sometimes I just want to give up.

Maybe I should. On what in particular, I have no idea...