It has been ten days since I've decided to let her go. It still hurts. Is this letting go completely? It feels like my heart is being torn open. I told her calmly that I was letting her go, maybe even with a bit of anger as a shield. But now that some time has past and my shield is wearing away, I'm beginning to wonder if I could still handle it. Tonight I saw pictures of her, from her org... she looked so happy with them. They also went out a lot. And I can't help but remember how we never did those things, or she was never that happy with me. Everything she's ever said is coming back to haunt me, all my shortcomings, her tiny complaints... I was never perfect enough, that's why she didn't love me. I devoted a year of my life for her, a year defined by her. I devoted my future to her, my possibilities. And now I have to let go of all of that. It still hurts... o god why is it so painful?
And now that she's so busy, why do I feel that this is permanent, that she doesn't want to see or talk to me anymore? It has even gotten to the point where I'm afraid to see her, or to talk to her. If this was goodbye, maybe it's a good time to drift away. And unlike the space I asked for before, there's no more promise from me that it wasn't really a goodbye. The fact that I still cry when I remember the times we were together, and realize that those will never happen again is proof enough that I am not ok. For one year, it was me who tried my best. If I don't text her, will she even think of me? Will she miss me? Will she even realize that I'm gone? What really scares me is if I dare try not to text her after the "busy days," what if she doesn't contact me at all? She was the one who said she was busy, so she should be the one to say that it's ok... but what if she never thinks that?
I'm stuck in a limbo now because it's still not clear what we are. She told me to stop, but still wants to be friends. And now, here I am again, holding on to that friendship when she's the one who's supposed to be proving to me if her intentions were sincere. So I don't know how to act. How she's acted thus far has never given a hint that she really wants to be friends. And I'm not ok enough to do something about it.
Fuck this christmas. It sucks.
And now that she's so busy, why do I feel that this is permanent, that she doesn't want to see or talk to me anymore? It has even gotten to the point where I'm afraid to see her, or to talk to her. If this was goodbye, maybe it's a good time to drift away. And unlike the space I asked for before, there's no more promise from me that it wasn't really a goodbye. The fact that I still cry when I remember the times we were together, and realize that those will never happen again is proof enough that I am not ok. For one year, it was me who tried my best. If I don't text her, will she even think of me? Will she miss me? Will she even realize that I'm gone? What really scares me is if I dare try not to text her after the "busy days," what if she doesn't contact me at all? She was the one who said she was busy, so she should be the one to say that it's ok... but what if she never thinks that?
I'm stuck in a limbo now because it's still not clear what we are. She told me to stop, but still wants to be friends. And now, here I am again, holding on to that friendship when she's the one who's supposed to be proving to me if her intentions were sincere. So I don't know how to act. How she's acted thus far has never given a hint that she really wants to be friends. And I'm not ok enough to do something about it.
Fuck this christmas. It sucks.
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